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Articles
* Creative Codependence™ : Or how I stopped worrying and learned to love codependence.
* ARC Bodywork: A Return to Consciousness
* The Community Within
* Are You Codependent With Your Career?
Creative Codependence™ :
Or how I stopped worrying and learned to love codependence.
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Codependence is often seen as a life draining, self-negating way of being. While I agree, I also know that codependence, like all aspects of life, has both its shadow and light. The trick is seeing how to use its (ahem) controlling, far reaching, life draining tentacles as a foundation for a deliciously creative response to life. After all, codependence is nothing but a creative way we learned as children to get our needs met. The quest then is how to use these imaginative and fertile endeavours to get our adult needs met.
To continue reading go to http://www.thearcinstitute.com/articles/codependence.htm
ARC Bodywork: A Return to Consciousness
“How does this part here,” he asked, hand upon my shoulder, “feel about that?” A strange question I thought, but not so strange as the fact that I could answer it. I was in the midst of an ARC Bodywork session and it seemed only natural that I let my body answer. “Uhhhh …” I sighed, sinking into the part, “it doesn’t like it.” My answer came as a shock and yet on a deep level, it felt true. My ARC practitioner had just asked my shoulder how it felt about a certain relationship I was in and my shoulder had exposed my deepest feelings – feelings of which I had not been fully aware. “What doesn’t it like about it?” he queried further. The answer was immediate: “it doesn’t like carrying the weight anymore.” No wonder I was experiencing chronic pain in my shoulder. I was involved in a relationship where I was not only being held responsible for all matters – financial and emotional – but where I was in denial about it. That is, most of me was in denial, my shoulder, it appears, was all too aware of what was happening. The session continued as my therapist facilitated dialogue between my shoulder and, well, me. By the end, I had a desire to approach the relationship in question differently – in a way that suited all my parts and a plan to carry it through. Several years later, I too became an ARC practitioner, working with the various interconnected parts of my clients (and the various
parts of myself).
To continue reading go to http://www.thearcinstitute.com/articles.htm
The Community Within
My relationship with who I am, is as dynamic and challenging as my relationship with friends and lovers, perhaps more so. I say this because within me lies a community of parts – different aspects of who I am – all with different needs, perspectives and truths. Single parts may overwhelm me and, at other times, compete with one another to be heard but collectively they make up who I am
with Self, my internal witness, in leadership.
To continue reading go to
http://www.risingwomen.com/sept2006svensson.htm
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Are You Codependent With Your Career?
Anne runs her own retail business. On days when sales are good, she feels alive and filled with possibility. On days when sales are down, she feels depressed and a failure. Darlene is a doctor. Darlene works seven days a week, feeling she must be available to her patients at all times to be a success. Sarah is a lawyer. She introduces herself as such even at casual social gatherings. Although these three women may have other things going on for them there is one common denominator: they all deeply identify with their profession or career. So deep, in fact, one could say they are codependent with their work.
For many years, codependence was used to describe the dysfunctional coping strategies used by family members of alcoholics. The stereotypic codependent, according to this perspective, took responsibility for the alcoholic spouse, parent or sibling while neglecting their own needs and wants and repressing internal feelings of anger and despair. Underlying this self sacrifice was the idea that if only they could love or support their loved one enough their alcoholic family member would be healed. What therapists eventually found, however, that while a family with a substance abusing member was ideal for codependence to manifest, it by no means held the roots of this condition. Codependence is the consequence of a child growing up in an environment that does not honour them as unique and valuable individuals. The child is ultimately taught to look outside themselves for happiness and fulfillment. The result, among other symptoms, is an adult with a decreased sense of identity and confusion regarding emotional and physical boundaries. Charles Whitfield, the author of Codependence: Healing the Human Condition, calls it a “disease of loss self-hood”. Moreover, he states that codependence need not be just about two people relating. It can be about how we relate to our business, our education or our bank account. If we place more value in these external things than we do in our self, we are in a codependent relationship.
In her book, Facing Codependence, Pia Mellody describes five symptoms that form its core: 1) self-esteem issues; 2) difficulties in setting functional boundaries; 3) difficulty in owning and expressing one’s own reality; 4) difficulty in taking care of one’s adult needs and wants; and 5) difficulty experiencing and expressing one’s reality moderately. Let’s take a look at these five symptoms and see how they can relate to us and our career.
Self-esteem
Codependents have difficulty feeling appropriate levels of self-esteem. What self-esteem they possess is generally derived from another. A typical example of this is the spouse who lives vicariously through their partner’s successes and failures. Is your self-esteem dependent on how your career or business is doing at any particular moment? Can you be objective about your own attributes while your business experiences an economic slump? Do you feel great only when you have lots of clients or money rolling in?
Setting Functional Boundaries
Boundaries are necessary in that they protect us from being taken advantage of, stop us from taking advantage of others and give us a sense of who we are. When we are codependent with our professional life, we lose sense that we are a human being rather than a human “doing”. When we identify with our work we don’t take time for ourselves, leaving us open to stress and burnout. We take calls after hours and prioritize our client’s well-being over our own. Functional boundaries allow us to take full weekends off and work-free vacations. We don’t demand that our employees or ourselves work beyond what’s acceptable.
Owning and expressing one’s own reality
Codependents have difficulty knowing how they feel, think or even what they look like. They look to others to guide them in how to behave, what to say, and how to feel. When codependent with one’s work, we let our profession guide us as human beings – we prioritize the work persona over our humanity. A court judge, for example, may be esteemed for her objective stance, but cannot tell her husband how she truly feels about life. A fashion director of a magazine may only wear what the current styles dictate, eschewing personal taste and comfort.
Taking care of adult needs and wants
Codependents usually come from a childhood where their needs such as safety, nutrition or affection were less than adequate or where their needs and wants were regularly confused. For example, the child that cries out in fear, sadness or hunger and receives a cookie to calm him or her down, will not understand the difference in what they need to survive (safety, affection, and nutrition) and their desires (a sugary treat). They won’t know how to ask for what they need, nor be able to set limitations on their wants. Being codependent with one’s career may result in the earlier example of Darlene. She confused her wants of being a success with her needs of having adequate time off. This resulted in a seven day work week.
Experiencing and expressing reality moderately
Mellody states that “not knowing how to be moderate is possibly the most visible symptom of codependence”. For example, do you immediately fear bankruptcy after a day of poor sales or do you rush out and buy a car after a few weeks of good business? Do you view your career in black and white terms or can you appreciate the ebbs and flows of life as it manifests in your work?
Whitfield states that codependence is at the root of all addictions (including workaholism) and other chronic issues that bedevil our health. Although at times it may seem pertinent to put 110% into your career, it must be balanced with personal time. When the giving continually outweighs the receiving we are potentially in a codependent relationship. Codependence is never healthy and may even prevent us from actualizing our dreams. The questions above can help clarify how we relate to our career but the most important thing to ask is the following: am I living a fulfilled and satisfying life or am I just making do with a fulfilling and satisfying career?
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